Shameless plug for funding aside, I realized sometime later that I was also lacking a snarky diatribe against Valentines Day. I mean every teenage guy (or general bastard... but I repeat myself) who's worth his weight in thimbles (and has a crappy website) tacks on some "V-day sucks" article come Feb 14. Well, I'll be damned before I'm outdone. Time to remedy this oversight! Besides, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of law I'd be in violation of without such a rant. So without further ado: I present ye with Ebonlight's guide to Valentines Day musical selections.

Part One: Stalking

Ah, the tried and true method of winning the love of your life- following them about like some kind of a simp in the hopes that they'll panic and give in. First you need to be prepared- Bouquet of longstemmed roses, chocolate, 19 page sycophantic love letter, and (most importantly) night vision goggles. Oh yeah, and a really good attorney for when you get slapped by those pesky restraining orders. Got everything? Good. Looks like you're all set for embarking on a glorious existence of deranged obsession and unrequited lust

... but wait! You've forgotten the most important thing to successful stalking: Theme Music to do it by. Fortunately, I've come to the rescue with some of the best songs to listen to while skulking after people who are really, REALLY out of your league (it's a slightly shorter song list then I first intended, I just don't have enough good Stalker music on my playlist).

#1 Crush (Garbage) This is a great song to get the (stalking-) ball rolling. Nothing's more flattering then telling your stalkee via song that you would not only kill for them, but that you "will never be ignored." If you really want to be scary, play a fan mix of Garbage and Nine Inch Nails called "Crushingly Close" (it's "#1 Crush" mixed with Nine Inch Nail's "Closer"). Really it's a value call over which to use, but I'm pretty sure a Judge would take even less kindly to "Closer" then to "#1 Crush." Therefore, We suggest you stick with the original unless your attorney gives you the okay to do otherwise.

My So Called Life (the Ataris) I guess My So Called Life only really works well as Stalker music if you happen to be tracing the movements of Claire Danes. That said, if you are following her... well, first, seek help, stalking just really isn't a healthy lifestyle, but (more importantly)... kudos! You've found the perfect song to do your stalking to- score!

Creep (Radiohead) 'cause they're so fucking special. And you're... not.
(You also win bonus points from me if you decide to use Richard Cheese's lounge lizard rendition of this song for your stalking needs, 'cause it'd be funny. Mmm, mayhaps I have a peculiar sense of humour, but I think we all already knew that).

Beautiful Stalker (Sugarcult) Hey, you may be an insane, moderately homicidal and a good bit creepy, but at least you're pretty damnit.

Mission: Impossible (Theme Song) At least you can admit the truth to yourself. Also: it gives you the proper super-spy feel to go with your nightvision googles. Totally cool!

The Runaway (Something Corporate) "...If you ran to the end of the earth/ i would catch you [...] if i woke up alone / i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me / cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself" There comes a time when even you (charming... though insane stalker type that you are) have to recognize you just have to LET HER GO, MAN! Hmmm, OR you could book that ticket to Venezuela to follow your future main squeeze, who skipped out of the country to avoid you. Yeah, scratch that earlier comment... do this instead.

Invisible (Chris Aiken) This man needs help. That said- bloody good appropriate song to plot your friendly neighborhood, um, stalking too.

Every Breath You Take (the Police) This is the ultimate in stalking music. Pretty much nothing else touches it, it's required listening while on the stalking trail.

With these songs jamming in your Discman, you're all set for the glorious and wildly illegal world of stalkerdom!

...Now get away from me.

Part Two: Dumping

But let's be honest- stalking is only half the fun of Valentine's Day! You didn't think I'd forget the second tier to make an otherwise dull Valentines day Great, would you? Of course not!

As we all know, good ol' Saint Valentines' Day is the perfect time for getting rid of some unwanted personal baggage (namely: your current significant other). It's the prime time to trade up for a smarter / prettier / less batshit-insane model. Good for you! Just remember not to get over-excited, and to do it after you get your V-Day present from them. Naturally, etiquette insists you buy your (soon to be ex-) boyfriend/girlfriend something too. Don't worry, though, the folks at Despair Inc. have the perfect gift lined up: "Bittersweets"- heart-shaped candies to start your breakup right.

Now without further ado I present the best songs to play while gleefully breaking your other half's heart. And by "best", I mean those songs that will really get your point across.

I Fucking Hate You (Godsmack) No sense mincing words. After all, they might misunderstand you and think you still want to be friends. Setting your dumping to this music almost guarantees there won't be any such such confusion. Throwing things at them, like rotten fruit or (better yet) knives also helps to convey your true feelings towards them. Also note that, in the clinch, Green Day's Fuck Off and Die is a fairly adequate replacement if the former song is unavailable.

Favorite Worst Enemy (Treble Charger) This one really helps to take the sting out of a hard breakup. You may want nothing to do with them and regard them slightly below swine wrapped in raw sewage.... BUT- they're you're favorite worst enemy! If they aren't comforted by this knowledge, then they really never deserved you in the first place.... but you knew that already.

I Hate Love Songs (Gwar) This song might be really about unrequited love, but it's also GWAR singing about unrequited love. Thus, it really works better for break ups then anything else. Besides, don't lines like "I love puppies when they're road-kill, They're too cute to live, too cute to live... like you" just make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? Yeah, me too.

Love to Hate You (Lambretta) Hey, at least you still have "strong feelings" for them, right? They should be happy with what they can get. Ingrateful little mugwumps (you really don't see enough "mugwump" these days, I should really work on incorporating it into everyday conversation more often).

I Wouldn’t Want to Be Like You (The Alan Parsons Project) ... because you're scum, and I prefer to be living scum free, thank you very much.

Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division) Not just good for dumping, it's also great music for your new Ex to listen to while lying in the fetal position in the darkest corner of their basement. For those "happy couples" (...freaks) I hear it's a pretty funny tune to have as "your song" together. Or insanely depressing depending on who you ask (I stand by more amusing then depressing, though)

Blame It On Yourself (Ivy) Let's be honest: it's ALWAYS Them, NOT You.

What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong) This is strictly for after the Dumping has been properly executed. Doing a happy jig in front of your ex to this tune... with your new significant other... might be a bit much. Therefore, I suggest that you not only do the happy jig, but also sing along with Mr. Armstrong. Slapping on a party hat and playing a kazoo might not be entirely out of line, either.

If you thought this was utterly asinine. Well, no arguments here. That said: feel free to go to Hell. :-)

... I think I may be getting a little too bitter. Figures. Anyway, Happy Valentines Day, people. As in accordance with tradition, I will either be attempting to spend the entire day unconscious, or with enough tranquilizers in my bloodstream to keep me in my "happy place" till the Second Coming. ;-)

Oh and to those of you of the female persuasion, as Valentines Day draws closer, I feel obligated to remind you of Becca's Truism: Boys Are Icky. No exceptions.

~Ebonlight

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Disclaimer: Naturally this writing is more or less entirely in jest (not the Truism though, 100% fact. I'm a guy, I KNOW). Anyway, Don't stalk people, blame it on this site, and sue me. No, seriously- I have no money. Filing a lawsuit will net you zero bucks. I suggest filing suit against Microsoft instead. Not only are they loaded, but EVERYONE hates them!