Okay- so I'm not really going to go deep into the Penguin's vs. Jesus issue, not without the aid of my ten-foot pole anyway. I'm just not prepared to deal with that kind of hatemail... yet; maybe when I have more time on my hands to enjoy each and every one. I WILL, however, pose this one little question to you: Let's be honest, Who's more likely to kick the collective asses of a dozen well armed foes without spilling their Martini:
PENGUINS
or
Jesus ...HMMMM? ... Yeah, ponder that for a bit.
Anyway, onto the "rant".
Okay, so occasionally people (damn them and their "peopleness"!) ask me: "What's up with you and penguins, anyway? I Don't See What's So Great About Them"
My first reaction is, of course, to hit the offending Anti-Penguin party with something- like a large stick... or (better yet) a large and POINTY stick. Still, I figure it's about time I elucidate my Thoughts on the Bad-assity of the State of Penguindom.
AHEM *clears throat* Let's begin, shall we?
All right, it's pretty clear to anyone with... eyes... that Penguins Are Secret Agents. Can we say the 007s of the Animal Kingdom? That's right! When the Animal World needs some highly sensitive and risky infilitration done, who do they call? I'll give you a hint, it's not the Mongoose. That's right, they Call Penguins. WHY? Because Penguins mix the suave sophistication of Bond, the Ingenuity of MacGuyer, and the "We Can Kick Your Ass" ability of a... umm... "thermo-nuclear weapon" springs to mind or possibly the "Death Star" (take your pick).
Why do penguins make such great secret agents, some (ignorant fools) might ask? Well, first of all: Penguins are martial artists. They practice an ancient Martial Art known as "Penguin-Fu" which would put Bruce Lee to shame. You'll note a little "flab" on the penguin, and you might think he's a bit tubby- you'd be wrong: Pure Penguin Muscle! These critters could probably bench a Ford Excursion SUV. Despite this, they manage to have Cat-Like reflexes. (More realistically: they have, by default, "Penguin-like" reflexes, but that's more or less beside the point.) Against a trained penguin even NINJAs are hopelessly outmatched.
And besides, as you'll note from the little image at the top of this "rant" (i.e. the Penguin with the gun) that penguins (unlike Ninjas) aren't stuck with stupid anarchonistic weaponry. I mean, Ninjas don't even traditionally use Katanas -what the hell's THAT about? Anyway, if a penguin's hopelessly outmatched by a hundred enemies, he'll break out the Pocket Rocket Launcher and whip all kinds of arse (and those big floppy wings can conceal all sorts of military hardware- they're like built in trench coats in terms of concealment level). Moreover, even when "unarmed" and not relying on their martial arts skills penguins can always just use their razor-sharp beaks to get them out of a tight bind. Fear the Penguin Beak - 'lest you find yourself pecked to death by an irate penguin.
Need I really say more about the awesomeness of Penguins?
Didn't Think So
...But I Will Anyway --> Penguins are also STYLISH. I mean, what the hell's up with Bond ditching his fancy digs whenever a big mission comes up? And in favor of what: some tasteless black fatigues?! Penguins, on the otherhand, understand that being a Super-Spy just isn't worth the trouble if you're not always dressed to kill.
Some woefully uninformed fools complain about the fact that penguins can't fly. To which I can only say: THEY DON'T NEED TO FLY, DUMBASS! First off, Penguins do one better then flight(in terms of stealthy super-spyness); they're freaking submersible. If you're coming in from the air you risk all sorts of radar detection and people going,
"What the Hell Is That Thing Flying Towards Us?"
"Ummm... Rogue wind current?"
"Wind is invisible, stupid."
"A particularly flamboyant windcurrent, then?"
"You are... dumb. Go stand over there. Oh! And start shooting that damned windcurrent, er, flying... thingie!"
...Not a pretty picture. Plus, you have to deal with pesky Surface to Air missile fire and such. On the otherhand, no one expects an undersea assault!!! Thus, the penguin "weakness" becomes yet another strength.
Besides, Penguins can always use their JET-PACKS if they ever REALLY need to fly... secret agent means access to cool gadgets remember? The Rocketeer isn't the only one with one of these handy gizmos sitting around the house; and Penguins don't wear that stupid looking helmet either. Don't get me wrong, penguins are all about safety consciousness- they simply recognize that when you're cruising at an altitude of around 1,000 feet and at an average speed of 150 miles per hour, if your jetpack gives out- well, you're pretty much fucked, stupid helmet or no. (Even when they do wear helmets, penguins -being the champions of high fashion that they are- will choose much classier protective headgear). They're also pretty fond of Fydoras- and we all know fydoras are a sign of swankiness cause: well Indiana Jones for one!
Furthermore, Penguins live in the freaking ARCTIC!! This means they are automatically tough bastards. So say some dippy little squirrel or something pays a visit to Antarctica: right about then he's thinking "Gee- my limbs have all gone numb, turned blue, and appear to be falling off." On the otherhand a PENGUIN will be thinking, "What a lovely day- I think I'll go for a quick swim for breakfast. Huh, I wonder what the little blue squirrel is doing over there, and why his Tail/Arm/Leg/Head just fell off like that... Meh, I'm sure he'll be fine."
As if all this wasn't enough: Penguins are rocking dancers -->
Just look at that little guy! Not only has he got coordination and rythmn, but also note that he dances with
BOUNDLESS ENERGY. He'll keep rocking for hours on end!!! Plus (on account of always being garbed in the most
stylish apparel) he's ready for the Queen's Ball at the drop of a hat. That's right ladies (and you gents too):
not only are they fashionable and dashing super-spies but they can dance well too (whoo-whoo!).
And Finally: What ISN'T great about Penguins?!?! : I mean let's be honest- this is a pretty valid counter-argument. Penguins have got "Badass" written all over them. 'nuff said.
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