- My cat dislikes the term “pet.” It prefers “friend and confidante.”
- Caution: Vampire in trunk!
- The real problem with Baptists is that they never quite seem to hold them under long enough.
- Cats don’t want to own people. They prefer to lease with an option.
- Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
- Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind.
- Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
- Nice little planet you have here. Shame if anything happened to it.
- Cats keep their claws sharp because they know that just a purr might not be enough.
- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- I think, therefore I am dangerous.
- It’s worse than you think and they ARE out to get you.
- Trust me, I’m a lawyer. (picture of a shark)
- You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he’s yours!
- (picture of bear with rifle) Support to right to keep and arm bears!
- Grow your own dope! Plant a politician!
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask any Indian!
- Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
- Never shoot to kill. Always shoot to live.
- Procrastinate later.
- An angry Dragon may eat you, but an angry Woman is truly dangerous.
- My ex gave me a reason to live – I want Revenge!
- I’m not nearly as think as you confused I am!
- Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon!
- Some mornings I just don’t feel like slaying dragons.
- I found Jesus. He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
- I don’t deserve self-esteem.
- It’s a control freak thing. I won’t let you understand!
- System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
- Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish.
- The best things in life aren’t things.
- Ignore your rights and they’ll go away.
- The “New Right” is fundamentally wrong.
- Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
- Question Authority before it questions YOU!
- Computers aren’t intelligent. They just think they are.
- Civil Disobedience – it’s not just for revolutionaries anymore!
- Vote Conservative! There’s no mistake like an old mistake!
- Been there. Done that. Went back for more.
- Computers cut my work in half… and the boss expects me to put it all back together again!
- I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use?
- Red meat isn’t bad for you. Green, fuzzy meat is bad for you!
- I saw Elvis making crop circles.
- Where are we going? Why am I in this hand basket?
- Free speech keeps Rush on the air. Free thought keeps me from believing him.
- Power corrupts – isn’t that what it’s for?
- Real psychics don’t have 1-900 numbers. They call you…. Collect!
- Downsizing is good, right? Then let’s fire Uncle Sam!
- I did not escape, I have a day pass!
- Some days, it’s just not worth gnawing through the straps.
- The problem with religious texts is the answers aren’t in the back, either.
- The fundies keep telling me I’m going to Hell and they’re going to Heaven. If they aren’t there, it won’t be Hell, so I guess we’re all going to the same place!
- Listen to Limbaugh? No thanks, my parents weren’t related.
- Forget Love – I want to fall in Chocolate.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of witches…. (picture of frog)
- Go fascinate someone else.
- He’s YOUR God. They’re YOUR rules. YOU burn in Hell!
- Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers.
- Computer literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to read?
- The computer revolution is over – the computers won!
- Help! I’ve tripped and I can’t come down!
- I was abducted by space aliens and I vote!
- Will write code for food.
- I got out of bed for this?
- EARTH FIRST! We can strip mine the other planets later!
- They’re lying.
- Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
- Don’t blame me – I’m just visiting this planet!
- Who are you to question why your god doesn’t want me to believe in him?
- I’m perfectly sane. The little voices in my head told me so!
- If all the world’s a stage, I want better lighting!
- You earthlings have such strange eating habits.
- Put politicians in their place – landfills!
- I’m disturbed. I’m depressed. I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!
- Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind.
- A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to arms manufacturers.
- A tisket, a tasket, a victim in a casket.
- Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
- My husband said he’d leave me if I didn’t stop reading mysteries all the time… why didn’t I start sooner?
- Dogs think men are gods. Cats are not so easily deluded.
- Beam me up, Scotty! They make lousy coffee down here.
- Yes, I’ve heard of “decaf.” What’s your point?
- Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I’ll have another cup of coffee!
- Just bring me the coffee and nobody gets hurt.
- If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
- We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and lack of transgression for integrity!
- Different drummer? I’m my own band!
- If a man’s best friend is his dog, don’t give him your phone number!
- Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding.
- Friends let you hide at their place. Real friends let you hide bodies.
- Gun exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
- Don’t call us “gun nuts” – with a government like ours, we’d be nuts not to have guns!
- If you try to get my gun, don’t expect to get my trust.
- Always remember: pillage first, THEN burn!
- My life may be weird, but at least it’s not boring!
- I like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.
- Always proofread. You might have something out.
- It never fails! You start having fun, they send in the lawyers!
- The First Amendment grants Freedom of Speech, THE SECOND GARUNTEES IT!
- You don’t need a pedigree to be a best friend.
- Witch Wagon – Tailgaters will be Toad.
- Evolution created anchovies – Man’s ignorance put them on pizza!
- Had a life. Traded it for a faster modem.
- I owe it all to my boss – ulcers, nausea, paranoia…
- Most men would respect a woman’s mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
- Sanity is a state of mind… but the taxes are so high, I had to move away.
- Objects in mirror may have flunked out of driver’s ed.
- Nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women.
- A closed mind doesn’t need drugs – it’s already wasted.
- You! Out of the gene pool!
- REAL SCOTSMEN WEAR KILTS because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!
- GO AHEAD, HONK If I can hear you, you’re in range.
- Driver carries no more than $20 worth of ammunition.
- DO NOT DISTURB Occupant disturbed enough already.
- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT – Can’t remember why…
- If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them?
- To a cat, people are just furniture that does tricks.
- To a dog, you’re one of the family. To a cat, you’re one of the help.
- My kid sells term papers to your honor student.
- Never trust a government that doesn’t trust YOU!
- Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!
- REPEAL INHIBITION!
- I’m only driving this because aliens ate my Volvo!
- Come out, come out, whatever you are!
- I can’t go to work today. The voices in my head told me to stay home and clean the guns.
- You’d be like this too, if they dropped a house on your sister!
- If a man’s home is his castle, he can learn to clean it!
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
- Out of mind – Back in 5 minutes.
- I get plenty of exercise just pushing my luck!
- The more people I meet, the better I like my cat!
- WARNING! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
- It’s lonely on the top… but you eat better.
- WORK is for people who don’t know how to FISH.
- Ask me about my vow of silence.
- “Normal” is a setting on my washing machine.
- Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
- Leave Earth Now – Ask Me How.
- Please don’t honk – driver may go Postal if awakened.
- Reality is the anchovy on the pizza of life.
- ALL MEN ARE ANIMALS! But if you can train them, they make good pets…
- Fight organized crime – don’t re-elect ANYONE!
- I’m not lost, I’m exploring!
- I am getting sick and tired of slitting the throats of people who say I’m a violent psychopath!
- THANK GOD FOR ATHEISM – without that, I’d have nothing got believe in!
- “NOT A MORNING PERSON” DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!
- A good university needs a football team like a fish needs a bicycle.
- All right, who put the “Morning People” in charge?
- The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
- It’s OUR money, not the IRS.
- EARTH IS FULL! GO HOME!
- Those who dance are thought mad by those who do not hear the music.
- Quantum materiae materieutur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (Latin equivalent of the famous woodchuck question).
- Stand aside, plebians! I am on Imperial business!
- Some days, it’s just not worth crawling out of the primordial ooze.
- Seven out of ten voices in my head say “Call in sick.”
- I get along with God just fine. It’s his fan clubs that I can’t stand.
- CHAOS – more than a theory, it’s the Way of Life.
- If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’LL PUT SHOES ON THE CAT!
- All around me I see Chaos, Panic and Disorder. At last, my work here is done!
- Jesus loves you. I don’t. Now, BACK OFF!
- Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I am a rocket scientist.
- The fact that no one understands you does NOT make you an artist.
- Be reasonable. DO IT MY WAY!
- Old lawyers never die – they just lose their appeal.
- How many roads must a man go down before he’ll admit that he’s lost?
- Question authority – don’t ask why, just DO IT!
- If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
- We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it form out children.
- I’ll “get a life” when someone can prove it’s better than what I’ve got now.
- Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
- Life a witch… and then you fly!
- My other vehicle is a broom.
- I’m not Duckin’ Frunk!
- Gun Control means using both hands.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.
- Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- Support capitol punishment, flog a politician today.
- Legalizing concealed weapons would be just fine if stupidity was outlawed.
- We’re the largest street gang in America. We’re the POLICE!
- (Windows ™ logo) … and this is your computer on drugs. Any questions?
- Annoy a politician today – THINK.
- There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion.
- The more I learn about terrorism, the better I understand the phone company.
- Bad cop. Bad BAD cop. NO DONUT.
- If you drink, don’t part. Accidents cause people!
- Support the 28th Amendment: Convicted felons shall not have the right to demand or expect better treatment or conditions than the members of the public at large.
- My job drives me to drink. If it wasn’t for that, I’D QUIT!
- If you can read this, I can hit my breaks and sue you.
- Grad school – It’s not just a job, it’s an indenture!
- If ignorance is bliss, then Washington must be paradise.
- I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed?
- Do not underestimate the Chocolate side of the Force!
- Nice front bumper you’ve got there. Shame if something happened to it…
- “Gun control” isn’t about guns. It’s about control.
- A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
- Another deadline, another miracle.
- Militant agnostic. I don’t know, and you don’t either!
- Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the earth.
- Censorship? We don’t have any censorship. If we did, I couldn’t say XXXX or XXXX.
- He who hesitates is LUNCH!
- The truth is out there. Trust no one. Deny everything.
- Death before dishonor. Nothing before coffee.
- Balance the budget. Declare politicians as game and sell hunting stamps.
- The cat philosophy of life: If you can’t eat it or shred it, then sleep on it.
- Welcome to Middle Earth. NOW GO HOME.
- Will litigate for food.
- The way to a man’s heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.
- So many men, so little reason to sleep with any of them.
- Happiness is the planet Earth in your rear-view mirror.
- Be nice to me, or I just might develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!
- The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to the stars!
- Dead men tell no tales… unless you’re in forensics.
- Happy happy, kill kill.
- I didn’t do it. You can’t prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying!
- I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
- To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
- Once you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend.
- Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
- I don’t need a new religion. I haven’t used up the Old one yet.
- Never trust a smiling GM!
- Will build thermonuclear devices for food.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
- Those who can, teach. Those who cannot teach ARE RUNNING THE SCHOOLS!
- Weird enough for government work.
- If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it!
- I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
- Cats make more sense than men.
- Men exist because cats can’t mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can’t cook. Neither of these things explain children.
- Abolish mornings!
- Am I supposed to be impressed?
- I love my country. It’s my government I fear.
- Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
- Where there’s a whip, there’s a way.
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