A Faerie Tail

Introduction

"Will Mankind remember us at all?”[…]

“Mayhap. Mayhap in their legends and their fables. Mayhap in naught but their dreams.'"

- Eye of the Hunter

“…Peace, dear Lady-Queen! Quell your choler; such Wrath does not become one so fair!” Fool bows low before the Lady, his mangy dark hair falling across his eyes as he sweeps his body low. The fine sapphire eyes of the young queen blaze with wrathful impatience at his continued meanderings. A moment more and Fool’s speech begins anew, unaware of the Queen’s growing irritation, and his eyes glimmering with maddened light. His thin frame sways to the rhythm of his own words, “Worry not, and let not Fury steal away the glow of thy fair face and golden tresses. Erelong shall I begin my saga. Ah, such a yarn will be woven- a grand Tale of the some whither Lands come sweven to me; a Fae-born vision wandering about my Dreams. Yoicks! Such sacred villainy and unseemly valour have you never ere seen. I shall regale thee with the deeds of Knights both swank and ignoble, fair and pure Dragons of lofty virtue, and the wickedest of Damsels. Oh grandest of tales will it be-”

“Enough, Fool! Silence your bragging tongue, and begin your tale. I shall judge its overblown merits myself.”

“Prithee forgive my dawdling words, dear Majesty. Gladly shall I begin. Prepare thyself. For mine is a tale of the End of a World. Nay, worry yourself not, I promise thee, ‘tis but a small one that ends…”

* * *

It is an Age not entirely distinct from any other. Therefore, it is quite probably the Second Age; known commonly as, “Ye Olde Elder Age Where Everything Is Pretty Dull, But In a Hunky Doory Sort of Way” or “The Under-Appreciated Age Since All You Wankers Get Nostalgic About the First Age and Forget That The Second Age Has Feelings Too… bastards.”

One should note that the Thirty-Second Age is also quite renowned for its overall Dullness (if not necessarily for any Hunky tendencies, though it is often quite Doory). The Thirty-Second Age, like the Second, gets absolutely No Respect. Of course this is quite understandable because the Thirty-Second Age still lives with its Mother, which is a fairly socially respectable thing for say the Fourth Age to do, but really rather ridiculous and sad when you’re up to the Thirty-Second Age of All-Existence.

Irregardless, there remains a distinctly Second Age feel to this particular period. There is also (thankfully) no concrete evidence that this Age still lives with its Mum. Quite tragically however, proof of what exact Age it happens to be remains rather lacking. A few Omnipotent Entities dilly-dallying outside of Creation might know, but they’re far too dangerously bi-polar to risk going about asking. Moreover, speaking with such Entities is generally viewed as a rather perilous endeavor, as they have a tendency to turn you into a pillar of salt for reasons that can be viewed as alternately (and sometimes simultaneously) obscure, esoteric, or idiotic. Also, if you happen to stub your toe in one of their presences, and use Her[2] name in vain, well, the results aren’t pretty- particularly if your use of Her name happens to be prefaced by the following chain of vulgarity: (Edit: CENSORED- THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Suffice to say a certain, now-deceased, party had something of potty mouth that she really should’ve kept in check while chatting with the Gods).

It’s also not entirely clear whether it is this particular Age’s relative dullness or the general “Hunky Doory” vibe permeating it that creates the era’s Second Age feel. One presumes a delightfully confused jumble of both is to blame.

Existing (in the relative, more-or-less, sense of the word) during this Anti-Epochal Age is the land of Elsewhere, a world on the far edge of All-Creation. More to the point, Elsewhere actually sits primly between Existence and Oblivion. Such a perch, however primly one may sit upon it, is a somewhat teetering and unstable spot of reality to find oneself on. Indeed, the major reason Elsewhere, with its lush hills and rolling greenery, is not regarded as prime-grade planetary real estate is due to the fact that if you happen to turn a little too far left (say while reaching to pick up your afternoon tea and biscuit off the kitchen table) you run the risk of accidentally blinking yourself out of existence for a bit (no worries: a few hundred-thousand millennia, tops). Actual residents of Elsewhere appear to largely disregard and generally “pooh-pooh” the level of nuisance created by occasionally ceasing to exist. Indeed, inhabitants often wisely point out that the only marked difference between the two states is that Non-Existence is largely devoid of Bad Weather …and, indeed, as a rule- Weather in general.

Elsewhere, much like most other realms of Creation, is a world ruled principally by assorted Gods and other supernatural spirits. This fact is entirely unsurprising- as a rule Deities appear to have first pick over mortals when openings in leadership positions arise on Creation. A class action discrimination lawsuit over this questionable practice was actually brought forth on Elsewhere sometime during the First Age, but ended abruptly when all non-Divine parties involved in the suit met untimely ends through lightning strikes, flash-floods, or other so-called “Acts of God.” Common opinion of the current Age is that the Mortals really should’ve settled the suit out of court when they had the chance, and possibly mutilated some cattle[3] to smooth over any hard feelings.

Due to its rather tenuous grip on Reality (and non-Reality too, if that happens to be more your shtick), only Gods and spirits of a less than savory, powerful, and (lets be honest) competent nature tend to be attracted to Elsewhere, and even then only because they’ve been excluded from Creation’s more posh realms. The really powerful supernatural entities tend to have more pressing interests then a piddling little place like Elsewhere- the younger crowd of Greater Deities being mostly dedicated to binge-drinking Ambrosia at the trendiest clubs of Creation, while the Elder bunch are involved in various under-handed plots and power plays over the Celestial territories. The point being that they have “Better Things to Do,” and generally leave Elsewhere to its host of minor and unimportant Gods.

Luckily (for the general Self Esteem of head deities, less so for inhabitants of the land) Elsewhere’s leading Gods have learned to conceal their general lack of competence through their mastery of the Magick of Blame Shifting (plus a few hundred million years of trial and error practice). Using the Art of Delegation, they have created a myriad host of positions filled by even more minor (and inept) Gods and Spirits, who in turn slowly become adept in their own brand of Delegation and Blame Shifting Magick. Thus, was the Bureaucracy of Souls formed, and the pecking order of the Pantheon of Elsewhere established- and a good deal down the divine totem pole it goes, even mortal (ick!) Lords and Ladies have their little spot in management (sorry not lowly peons like yourself though, keep voting in the Celestial Elections though, and maybe things will turn your way next century! …Just don’t hold your breath).

On the mortal side of affairs, Elsewhere is (un-) happily subdivided into hundreds of minor realms, including sizeable numbers of Fiefdoms (complete with vassals!), Monarchial Kingdoms, Oligarchies, Theocracies, Nomadic Tribes, Cannibalistic Death-Cults, and Republican City-States.[4]

One such realm of no particular importance lies to the West, and dangerously far to the left of existence some cynics would claim. Known commonly as the Kingdom of Babbil, its only feature of marginal interest lies in the fact, that while Babbil is in fact an Oligarchy controlled by the noblesse, its people are inexplicably fond of pretending (in alternating fashions) to be both a democratically-oriented Republican City State (in order to win pity from neighboring realms or possibly due to masochistic tendencies) and a Monarchy (because the oligarchy that’s really in charge of things has found that feigning helplessness beneath an absolute monarch is a great excuse to let their country kick ass in an amoral fashion, while simultaneously placing all blame for their actions onto a single person, known as the King, which is taken from an Etruscan term that roughly translates to, “idiot with a crown and scepter who we pretend is in charge, but will in fact eventually lynch, behead, burn, and/or eviscerate for fun later.[5]”

Into this bizarre and amusing (in a sick sort of way) kingdom of Babbil was born a child, lone heir to the King. Born under the sign of the Lion and anointed beneath the Red Star, the Gods (that’s two or more Gods, mind) smiled upon his birth and placed within him with a spark of their Divinity. It was prophesized that he would lead his people into a time of glory. Much to the dismay of all involved (and to the chagrin of the Gods) this did not happen. Instead his mother accidentally dropped her beloved newborn child, and future Savior of her People, down a flight of the palace stairs and he subsequently died (oops).

With this in mind, it stands to reason that this is not his story.

* * *

“This is the most vacuous and inane beginning to a story I’ve ever heard. You’ve rambled on and on, but managed to say absolutely nothing!” The fair Queen’s complaint echoed across the Hall, her melodic voice turning a touch shrill, a telling sign of her growing impatience and frustration. Fool did not appear to hear however, lost as he was in the maddened web of his own words. He continued on heedless.

[1] Kudos to Her Excellency, Lady-Countess Becca, for the Title.

[2] One should note that an Omnipotent Entity tends not to actually be a Him or Her so much as an asexual blob of all-consuming power. Such Entities also happen to all suffer from serious self-esteem issues, manic depression, and bouts of psychotic cruelty. They are also generally recognizable by their fetish for mutilated-cattle, which is often demanded en masse through ritualistic burnt offerings that bear a marginally disturbing resemblance to nothing so much as GINORMOUS barbecues… minus the steak sauce.

[3] Just one more note on cattle (for now anyway): Space Aliens are also notable for having an unhealthy fixation with mutilated cattle. Under no circumstances should a God be confused with either UFO or space alien. If in doubt, Gods will be the ones riding on storm clouds, laying SMITE upon the general populace, and speaking in capital letters- a habit regularly attributed to compensation for low self esteem combined with abnormally low auditory modulation capabilities. In contrast, space aliens always fly about in giant silver Frisbees. They will either have inexplicably over-sized foreheads and large black bug-eyes, or be smallish green men who carry ray guns and are dressed in chic red spacesuits. If you’re still uncertain, space aliens can generally program your VCR, whereas Gods are (for the most part) absolute neophytes with technology and will either “Miracle It” or reduce your VCR to ash with a crimson bolt from Above.

[4] Republican City States being generally made fun of and beat up by all the other groups. The only notable exception to this reprehensible practice of relentless mockery being the Cannibalistic Death Cults, who do not make fun of inhabitants of the Republican City-States so much as they kidnap and eat them.

[5] I am in fact lying here: the scepter is strictly optional (though all the coolest rulers have them, so you should too).